Geek, uncensored


May 19, 2012

Programmer Speak Translations. What programmers say and what they really mean.

This came to me around 3 in the morning while I was sitting on my 9th hour straight doing a programming for class lamenting about my canceled plans for the evening and lack of sleep for the week. Some of these are obviously not said by me (or anybody else I hope), but you would be surprised what pops into your head after 3 days of no sleep and enough energy drinks to sink a small country in Africa.

DISCLAIMER***This is mean to be for humorous purposes only so don’t get your panties in a bunch if you feel the need to get offended by things that may or may not pertain to you. if(you == f*cking idiot troll) { return GTFO and die; }

To a Significant Other:

“I made you dinner, I hope you like it”
Translation: I hope you don’t mind it’s a little bit salty. I needed something to cover up the Nyquil I mixed in there so you’ll go to sleep and I won’t be obligated to give you attention tonight.”

“Ok I’ll take a break and we can spend some time together”
Translation: You may think you have my full attention, but while you’re catterwalling about things not related to my program, I’m thinking of ways to make my program better and will most likely sneak a few lines of code in while you’re going to the bathroom.

“I love you”
Translation: Almost as much as I love my program.

“Honey, can you pick up the kids today?”
Translation: The only reason I remember that I have children is because I program I have it in bold letters on my google calender and I assume that since they aren’t here they need picking up. We have kids right?

“Nothing is wrong, my program just won’t run.”
Translation: You have absolutely no idea that my whole world is crashing down around my ankles and you will never understand.

To Friends:

“Yeah, I’ll be there as soon as I’m done writing this program.”
Translation: Call me a ditcher because not only am I not getting there any time this century, but I’ll probably be so worked up over perfecting the unperfectable that I’ll put our friendship on the back burner.

“You’re my best friend”
Translation: I like you so much that I use your name as variables.

“I had fun last night, we should hang out again soon at my place.”
Translation: Last night was OK, but just wait until you come over. I have 21 computers hooked to 49 monitors and OMG we will have a f*cking BLAST compiling and resolving syntax errors.

“I’m not doing much tonight, just going to stay in and relax.”
Translation: I’m going to sit on my ass and play WOW (or other obsessive game) and masturbate about 5 times.

To Random People:

“I’m a programmer”
Translation: I’m just letting you know why I’m going to treat you like the obvious lower intelligence in this conversation.

“Excuse me”
Translation: I have more important things to do in my life than to wait for a lower life form to get out of my way.

To Other Programmers:

“I really like your program, Good Job!”
Translation: I’m just sucking up so you’ll lower your guard for a little bit so that I can go and make a bigger and better program than you just made and rub it in your face.

“Do you know how to do this?”
Translation: I actually know how to do this, but I’m seeing if you know how to do this so I can keep track on how far ahead of you I am.

“We should hang out sometime”
Translation: I haven’t had a chance to flex my mental muscles in front of you and doing it in public will make your defeat even sweeter.

“Sure I can do that for you”
Translation: I’m going to wait until you’ve asked me for this at least 20 times then put together the worst possible thing I can so you’ll look bad and give you all the credit for it.

To Yourself:

“I just need to run this code to make sure it works and then I’m done.”
Translation: Theres a 241.7% chance that 1/3 of my syntax was fat fingered and for each error it’ll take me about 20 read-throughs of the program before I finally catch what’s wrong so don’t plan on bothering me for the next 2 days unless you come with redbull and pizza.”

“I’m going to bed”
Translation: There’s no translation for this because “bed” doesn’t compute in programming language.

“I’m hungry”
Translation: My adderol wore off and I’m starting to feel the pains for not eating for 3 days. Must order pizza.

“I’m tired”
Translation: Let me chase this adderol with a 5 hour energy shot and compliment it with a redbull.

About the Author

Blogger, Programmer, Zombie Survivalist Expert, Girl Gamer, Pianist, Super Geek, the Epitome of Awesome. Saying the things your mind tells you not to.


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